Rememberment, Chapter XII: Crazy is a Bad Word

I loved spending time with all of my brothers. Ari knew how to tell stories and often took me for a drive. Esa shared my passion for Marvel comics, and we also often watched movies together. And Tapio took me to the lake and taught me how to fish.

Being named after the old Finnish god of the forest and hunting suited him better than anyone. He always somehow knew the best fishing spots. And he caught the most as well, no matter if he used the most expensive lures or something he had crafted himself. As a hunter he was equally impressive; moving in the woods was natural to him and he had an amazing ability to figure out where the prey was and how to bring it down.

He was also super smart. If there was something wrong with any kind of device in our house, be it a washing machine or a car or one of my toys, it didn't take him long to figure out the problem and fix it. He was also into all kinds of philosophical discussions which tended to go way over my head.

But he also had a difficult nature which often resulted in arguments with the rest of the family - he seemed to have little respect for agreements or schedules, or other people in general. And even though he was really good with lots of things, handling money wasn't one of them. If he found work, it didn't take him long to get fired. But even though I was also sometimes pissed off at him, I still liked him most of the time - he was fun to hang around with and like me, he was interested in lots of weird things.

That winter I didn't see much of him. He had a girlfriend and spent most of his time with her, and seemed happier than ever. But things didn't stay that way for very long.

First there was a car accident. Another vehicle hit Tapio's car from the side, and his head went through the side window. It took him weeks to recover from his injuries. Way later, I heard Mom and Dad speculate if the accident had anything to do with what happened with him later.

He and his girlfriend started to have problems too. I heard later that he started acting jealous of her and followed her around. As weeks went on, it was Ari who first started telling our parents that something's not right with Tapio. They wouldn't listen to him at the time though - despite working together in the workshop the two didn't exactly get along well, and so they thought Ari was just bad mouthing his brother.

Tapio started having all kinds of big plans. He wore fancy clothes, acted all posh and said that he's going to start a company of his own. He was good at convincing people, too - for some time my parents wanted to support his endeavors, and he was already negotiating a big loan with a local bank for his upcoming business.

But as time went on, it became painfully obvious to everyone that something indeed wasn't right with him. He didn't act or talk like himself and seemed to never sleep. Then one night he was found sitting on our lawn in pouring rain, disassembling a radio for parts in some fantastical project.

It was pretty clear now that he needed help, but he didn't want any. My parents called some healthcare professionals and explained the situation. Eventually the police was called to bring him into treatment, but when they came Tapio ran into the woods. The policemen were young and fit but had no chance of winning that contest. Only when he later came home again and was inside the house, the police were called back. He didn't go without a fight, but wasn't able to escape this time either.

When they took him away, I asked my dad if Tapio had gone crazy. Dad looked sad and weary and said that no, he's just ill. He also said I should never call anyone crazy, because God hates it. I then asked what kind of illness can change a person like that, and Mom said it's called "mania". I didn't know what that was, but figured that it's probably just another, more acceptable word for "crazy".

After spending his time in our local mental institution, my brother came home again and was back to his old self. Life went on, but the atmosphere in our home had changed somehow. It was as if everyone was just trying to act normal while feeling anything but. Esa in particular was very disturbed about the whole thing, and later said that it took him several years to recover from it.

A decade later, when Tapio started to fall ill again, Esa left the house and said he's going to stay somewhere else until it was over. I wish he had taken me with him.